Luck

I love him.
He loves her.
And she loves him.
Some people are just lucky.
Some are just... just not as fortunate enough.
And I am one of the unfortunate.
People live the happily-ever-after,
I just watch.
Because he loves her, and she loves him.
I love him but I can't.
I watch silently, behind walls. I fake a smile and pretend that I give a blessing. Deep inside was no longer a strong girl.
It was a weakling.
In tears, in pain.
Maybe faking it would be easier.
So that no one would pity me.
So I sit alone as I watch.
She pushes him and he pushes her back. Her giggles were nothing, but I just wish that i was the one giggling. When I see a smile on his face, I just forget. I forget that he is in love with her. Whatever else didn't matter at all.
Because that smile.
That smile puts another on my face.
Sometimes I laugh to myself.
This is funny.
Why do I even carry a hope that doesn't exist?
He doesn't even look at me, he doesn't even think of me. All in his mind might probably be her.
Just like me, he puts her in front of everything. And he was.. another lucky guy who wins whatever he wants.
She was a nice lady.
Totally harmless.
So I don't hold a urge against her. Because she was just like me, crazy in love. And just like me, she puts him in front of everything. She was another lucky young lady, living the dream of a perfect love life.
They were having the perfect happy ending.
I?
I am like the old man that sits alone in the park. All that he had was the breeze blowing in his face and the burden of the world that seems to ignore him.
I have nothing.
Not even a nice and understanding guy friend.
And yes, I want a guy friend.
Everyone around me has one.
They are lucky people.
I wasn't, I am not even close to be like them.
I just wish that someday, someobe would tell me that I am looking good, or tell me that it is great to see me around. I just wish that some guy cared. Just say goodbye or take care.
But unlike them, I am just an unfortunate person.
So I shut the doors around me and seal the windows. I built a tall wall around me.
So no one sees me.
Because my heart is as unfortunate as me, it always breaks and now, full of scars.
I just hope.
A hope that someday, a guy sees that brick wall. I wish he tries to break it or climbs over it. I pray that some guy would take care of me and my precious heart. I hope that he would put the world down and pick my mind, put it at ease, tell it that it is okay to look ugly or look unattractive.
Because he would be there always, and say that I am beautiful in my way.
And that guy, if you are anywhere, I pray that you live safely and I hope that you come quickly.
So that I know that the hope I have exists.
It exists for you.

She bitch slapped her boyfriend

You may wonder who it is.
Well if you have watched the youtube video of this hongkong girl slapping her boyfriend 14 times of the face WHILE GRABBING HIS HAIR. And yes, FOURTEEN TIMES.
I am not joking.
There is a video on it.
Those who haven't watch it, the behind story is....
Okay i am not like SUPER SUPER SUPER sure but this girlfriend found her boyfriend cheating (but he didnt). The boyfriend was not. Well. She thought he was because another gurl (some cousin friend of the girlfriend) called another girl to their apartment. I think it is something like that...
AIYAH
JUST GO WATCH AND SEE THE COMMENTS AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.
Anyway, this boyfriend was kneeling now and the gurlfriend was like" dim gai" something something in cantonese. She was telling the world that she was scolding her boyfriend. And there was the cousin-friend beside her and guess what she did?
NOTHING
I mean, seriously?
You know the truth and you just watch. AND WATCH THE BOY GET HIT 14 TIMES
OH MY GOD
ARE YOU EVEN HUMAN
So there is also another story about some girl and nuggets that is why there is that macdonald bag beside him. Like I said, watch the video and read comments.
The guy was asking this cousin-friend gurl to tell the truth, explain that he was no cheating.
She was like "he asks me to explain. I shall stand here and not"
My god
Oh why
Why do you exist.
Congrats, you cause a problem between the couple, let the poor guy kena slap and let the other girl slap him. You so great. You make them go court. YOU IS THE 伟大, 你知道吗?
You is the pro.
You is the 厉害
I salute.
And the girlfriend hor, i wanna slap you also. Oi, man got pride want leh. Wanna scold, don't make him kneel lah. You two got apartment what, go there then slap lah. You think what, hongkong street nice venue ah? Please lah, we don't need to WATCH YOUR DRAMA. Go home record then broadcast live on tv. But even if you do so, no one watch.
I love it that some ladies and aunties helped. I love you nice hongkong woman and aunties. And you, boyfriend, yes you. Stand up lah, SLAP HER BACK AND SAY "PUCK YOU, LEMME EXPLAIN AND STOP SLAPPING ME LIKE A BITCH, YOU BITCH"
Don't afraid of her lose face
She make you lose face you give her karma lahhh
You go tell the court you dw settle case.
Say just let you slap her 14 times then you two break. Apartment is yours because you injured mah, you need rest. The girlfriend leh? She no need lah, she got that cousin-friend support mah. So this part, don't worry. Court confirm take it reasonable one. Or nvm lah, you sue her. She go jail then you have the apartment lah. See, settle liao.

My words to girls and guys out there:
Don't cheat
Don't bitch slap your partner like that
Don't be an attention seeker
Don't settle your relationships out here
Don't keep quiet (STAND UP FOR LIFEEE STAND UP FOR LOVEEEEEEEE WHOOOOOOO OO OOO)
ACT FAST AND BITCHSLAP THE OTHER IN THE FACE IF HE OR SHE DOES IT
If you had a macdonald 打包 beside you, throw at the woman/guys face then RUN

And that are your tips to relationship and trying to get away from slapping sessions.
You welcome.

Respect

If you read the school creed every morning, go by it. If you can't, I rather you just put your right hand up and leave it there and lip the words. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I hate those people who bully others. Oh, it isn't my friends who get bullied. And plus, bullying doesn't end at childhood or teenage years. Tell that to an old granny who lives in fear of teenagers picking on.her old and ragged clothes, and her limping leg. Tell that to a mother who gets constantly commented by her own children of her way of parenting, clothes and personality. Tell that to a wife who are questioned for the causes of bruises by others when at home, they have no idea of how abusive her husband actially is. You all have no idea how effective your words can be or how demoralizing your words are to those who are weakened and all they need is someone like you to say things like that. Then they push themselves to an end, to jumping off the building or to self harm. You have no idea what one person is going through. Well, if you are the one going home everyday to an abusive dad or parent, if you are the one who goes to a hospital everyday to see a dying love one fighting cancer in a weak state, would you think harmful and scarring words are needed? Would you need more hate and more pain living in this world?
Let me tell you how disgusted I am when I see you all disturbing and bullying the autism kid verbally. Do you think it is fun? If it is, let me tell you that because you are having 'fun', people can commit suicide, self harm or do stupid things. It is because life, to them, isn't worthy anymore. And it is because of people like you. And let me say it again, it is because of YOU, people hate their lives.
I am disgusted because you are an indirect killer, inconsiderate and horrible assholes who make everything worse for people!
I can make fun of you too! It is easy to pick it on you! I can make fun of your music, your clothes, your everything!
But I rather not, because I know how ruined I was when I was bullied.
So I forgive all of them and live on, to reach out to those who are or have gone through the same thing.
Let me tell you how disrespectful you were when you spoke against the chinese teacher. You all always say, "I give respect to those who respect me, age doesn't matter." But you can't even give, how can you even receive the same way?
Respect everyone around you. They might have been a victim of rape, abuse or physical bully. They might have been a survival of war or a woman who has fought custody of her children so that they won't get abused by her husband again. Everyone has been through something. Life isn't easy for anyone.
You want respect from others, learn to respect others first.
You all better change your bullying ways because it breaks my heart that one day, you all might be gulity for bullying someone and they commit suicide because of you.
Love more, care more,

Something I wanna say

It is just very sad of how superficial people are these days. When you are doing so much better without them, they try to get close to you, be your friend. And when you are down, at the bottom, they seemed to be nowhere to be found. All you want is support at that moment but guess what? No one seems to have time to give comfort or lend a shoulder to cry when they can take time to bootlick others.
And that is not all.
We all have to be careful these days.
Because the one that you trust the most may be the mastermind of your screw up.

Crap has make me see my goal of life.

He is such a jerk.
Yes, and I have been waiting for this day for me to have enough of his bull crap to rant on it.
It would be more ironic if I said that I don't care about him.
So, let's be honest, people like him do bothers us!
It bothers me and gets me so frustrated.
Why?

Let me tell you the story.
Let's call him... Taro Milk. Sorry for those who like GongCha Taro Milk. I am sorry.
Anyway, we shall skip the details. (i am so naggy)
You know what, I was so frustrated that I put my literature skills to use that I wrote a poem.

He is stupid
His actions are stupid
His voice is stupid
His thought is stupid

If he had listened for the first time,
I wouldn't have repeated it for the third time.
Enough was enough, it is time
For some lecture time.

Let me talk about guy
who talks about crap.
Oh see who's talking?
The crap talking of himself.

He claims that I didn't do my part
When he didn't give me one.
He expects me to be free all the time
When he has no right to have that on me.
I don't see why he has a girlfriend,
or is that his sex toy?
He does not know who he is
Because he was a nobody, 
that I am sure that no one would visit his grave.

Swee bo? Swee right? Miss Goh should be proud of me.
...
Maybe not.
So, if I was bad, it says about TaroMilk being an ass claiming himself a boss.
I hate this kind of people.
I don't care if he has problems at home, because on that one saturday, he seemed to not understand how little time I had to do the crap that he wants me to do.
If, mister taro milk, you did not understand what I was busy with that day, I had to help at a funeral. I had my problems, I have a heart broken relative over here, and you are there acting like an ignorant asshole.
If you think that I do not know how to prioritize, then I am sorry to say I put my family, friends, and the hurt and unloved people in this world before my education.
I know that without an education, I can't get a job, I can't get a future, I can't get a right track of life.
But I know, when I have care and love for these people, they bring me to their center, their hearts. And that is where I want to go.
Because I know that there are thousands and thousands of people out there, who unable to love or to be love.
Because I have already found my purpose in life, that it is to love the unloved and give these unconditional love.
And because I know that there are many who have no parents, no partner and no children to love or to love them. And that is why I am here.

You all may think that I am so religious, why am I so weird, come on face it this love can't get you anywhere.
But that is your perspective of life.
Mine is a total different.
The reason why I stopped going to kpop concerts since I first watched it was because I have let it go. I do know how much I want to see Donghae, my ultimate idol. But like I have said, I have and want to let all of this go.
In life, we are always waiting for something to come or even something that has passed and that we are always missing what we actually have in our lives right now, at this moment. I do not want to wait for idols to come every year and to see them. Because then, I would have left out my family, whom I can see everyday and love everyday.
And if I did, I would be spending my weekend, waiting in line for a Category One ticket, when my family could have been worrying of me.

So, back to you, Mister Taro Milk, I hate you for being an ass.
But thank you, you let me seen my goal in life.

Okthxbye

Ryan Gosling

Ryan gosling won't eat his cereal.
You all need to watch it.
It is really entertaining.

You need to watch it.
You won't regret a second.
But if it annoys you, watch this to forget it.

Red pandas help.

Enjoy life people.

Bye.

Okthxbye

My first crush

My definition of 'first crush' would be the one that makes me have long term feelings.
We all have our own choice.
To me, the variety of guy choices are like a hawker center.
There are Nasi Lemak, Chicken rice, Lor Mee and many other foods. Everyone's choice can be the same or different (dafuq did I just say).
There are also many different versions of Nasi Lemak, some are just kenasai and the rest are just delicious.
Out there, there are sweet guys, smart guys, bad guys and more.

My primary school crush was a guy I rather not talk about. He was quite of a bad boy. He would play with you (literally) and then forgets you like you never knew him.
Felt like shit back then.
But, you know, he was popular, everyone liked him.
And I wasn't the one he would look at.

My first crush was a wonderful guy.

He was 'A'.

He isn't everything but my everything.

Not perfect, yet perfect for me.

He seemed so close but yet so far. I am sure that something about me and him is connected but when I try to reach out for him, the look on his face make this connection disappear.

A made me forget of who I was without him.

Now, I can't imagine life without A.

When I look into my cellphone, how I wish that I could tell him that I love him.

I know that it will hurt.

One sided love.

A won't love me back, just me. I am sure that he has a crush of his own.

All day, I can stare at his profile and constantly hesitate to post something to him.

I was afraid that there wouldn't be replies.

He always replied others, but not me.

It hurts but yet, as stupid as I can be, I still love him.

My heart still contains the love and passion for him. 

My friends should know who he is.

People who know me must know him. 

Only a few of them know how much I want him (I sound so slutty.)

.....

That slutty remark.

.....

(Whatever)

.....

They know how much I have told them.

I need him.

Someday, if I ever get to come face to face with him, alone. I will tell him.
I love you.
I love you.
Aiden Lee Donghae.

U MAD BRO?
It's not wrong also. Donghae's engmoh name is Aiden.
You still mad?

Who did you think it was?
You know what, I am going to tag everyone to read this. I know who they are thinking it is. (maybe not.)
Okay. Maybe I don't.
Whatever man.
I am just bored.
I love Donghae, he was my VERY VERY VERY first crush. He makes me have feels. He is in asia but yet six hours away from me. He won't love me back. He loves all of his fans. But we are selfish sometimes.
All day, I can wait at his twitter profile and wait for a new tweet.
Trust me, I have tweeted him more than five times and he wouldn't reply.
And he replies others.

Damn.
Like DAAAAAAMN
And you all should know him what.
He is my bias for five years, okay.
Now you know.
I am ending this with sexiness.

Okthxbye

Shadow

Yoona ran out to the streets. It was late at night, the streets were empty.
So did the chest felt.
Empty and unloved.
She screamed, not going to care if the people at home were sleeping. 
Nothing will return to her, nothing will respond.
"Return him to me," she said, "Please, God!"
She squatted down. She hugged her knees. 
It was cold, even the street lamp can't keep warm. 
This coldness was nothing to her, she was numb.
He left.
Oh, what promises he made.

"I will protect you, Yoona, with all of my life. I swear, I give my whole life to you. I love you, honey. I love you, so, so much."

"Why did you leave me?"
She asked pointlessly. He left her, just like that.
He will never come back. Yoona will never be able to see him driving into their driveway when the children would be cheering for their father's arrival. He left the family.
Yoona leaned on the cold pole and sighed, "I will do anything."
"I swear, my life. I will mend my mistakes. I won't hurt him anymore, I will love him. As much as he loves me and the children, I will. He left because of me, but I don't want my children to be grow up like this, either do I want to go on like this."
Her tears cooled her face. Her cheeks and nose were red. 
She begged him to come, hug her in his warm arms. He would tell her that it was going to be alright, life goes on. He would tell her that he would always be there for her.
He was gone.
No one was going to do things like that for her. 
No one else can hug her like how he did.
No one would tell her that it was alright. Or maybe she wouldn't believe them.
Because Donghae wasn't there for her anymore.
No more.
Yoona stood up and ran down the empty road. 
"What husband are you, Lee Donghae?"
She questioned the river that reflected her sad face.
"What husband would leave his own wife to take care of their children? They are your children, you idiot! They need you, honey. I need.. I need you," she cried again.  
She heard a car honk.
She wished that it was Donghae who was picking her up.
"Hey, sweetie," Tiffany, Donghae's beloved adopted sister, drew down the windows, "It's cold."
Yoona wiped her tears away before getting on the car. Tiffany heard the door shut and drove away from Yoona's memory lane.
"My brother, he-"
"Don't remind me of him. That idiot. The idiot I loved," Yoona looked out of the window, "That idiot who left me without a word. He just left out of the door, like he hadn't had my children or this marriage."
"No, Yoona, sometimes, things are not-"
"He could. He could control it, Tiffany. He shouldn't have left. What am I going to do for my children now? They need me," she paused, "And.." she looked down onto her thighs, "I need him. I do, Fany. I do."
The car stopped as the gates of Yoona's house opened. Before Tiffany could stop Yoona, she left her in the car. Tiffany sighed and got off to chase her sister-in-law. Tiffany came in time before the gates shut on her.
"Hey," she called Yoona politely, "Yoona."
Yoona smiled, "The children would be happy that you came to visit," the door was opened by one of the helpers at home. 
"Children," Yoona called the two who were quarrelling over the remote control, "Aunt Miyoung came to visit you two." They stopped and looked up.
"Where is daddy? We are going to miss the Ellen show," their daughter, Minjung, asked. The other, Seunghun, continued, "And the ninja turtle episode, the last episode, mama,"
Yoona couldn't look into their crystal eyes, just like his. 
The truth was disgusting and sad. 
It was hard to put them to sleep.
Only Donghae could.
The younger two couldn't sleep, because daddy wasn't there to tell them stories, watch television cartoons or tuck them into bed. Seunghun stoned as he watched Minjung cried her lungs out. Her crying filled the room and the long hallway. Yoona's eyes were watery.
"No, mama! I want daddy to come back now! Right now, right now, right now! Daddy! I want daddy!" Look what he has done, making her a spoilt kid. Yoona sniffed, "Minjung ah, daddy.. He.."
"I don't care! I want daddy, mama! I want him to tell me bedtime stories! I want him to tuck me in! Now, now, now!"
"Minjung, daddy is gone-"
"No," Seunghun finally spoke, "No. He isn't. No. He never will. He will.. He will be back when I open my eyes tomorrow. He will watch me at my first singing performance at school. He will. He promised," Seunghun tucked himself in. Yoona knew that her strong little boy was crying at his sheets. Minjung stopped crying and did the same. Yoona cried harder after she left the room. 
"Yoona," Tiffany hasn't left. Yoona shook her head, "It's okay, Fany. Thank you. Please, I need my time-"
"But, Yoon-"
"He will come back tomorrow. Like what Seunghun said, we will go and watch his performance at school. Donghae will show up, I am very sure. S-so-so sure," Yoona entered her room quickly and shut the door on Tiffany.
"Yoona ah," Tiffany knocked on the door.
"He will come back, Fany. I know that. H-he-he just left for town an-and will be back tomorrow morning," Yoona said before crawling to the top of the bed.
She took her cellphone out, hoping for his missed cal or a message. No, nothing but a wallpaper of their family that was once warm and loved. Until he decided to take a step out of the door.
Yoona unlocked her screen and dial for him.
She wished that he would answer the phone.
Why would he even answer it?
He left.
But as much as Yoona could remember, he was a careless boy. And a careless boy he is. The other phone was on the table beside her. That ringtone. That wallpaper.
The sweet memories only led her out to the bitter reality.
That phone belonged to her man who was gone.
Photos, he had loads of them. Of them, the children, himself.
And another woman.
Yoona threw the phone across the room, making it hit the wall hard.
"Lee Donghae, I hate you."
-------------------

So, so, so, how was it? It's an introduction to my new storyline ^^
Inspired by Sam Tsui's Shadow.
Stirred up all of my ideas. (Sam is awesome, okay)
I am going to post more information of this as soon as possible!

Okthxbye

S-Clique

Hey.

Hi.

Hello.

I haven't blogged for a long time now so... Why not now?

So, what is S-Clique?

Actually...

I also don't know. 

OI

NO OKAY

I KNOW

My girlfriends. Yes. Girlfriends. WUT. YOU GOT PROBS OF ME HAVING GURLFRIENDS IS IT?

What does the 'S' in S-Clique stand for?

I know.

Of course. 

I do.

Nah. I don't know.

This time I really don't know-

WAIT. IT MAY MEAN MY NAME. GET IT? SANDY'S CLIQUE, S-CLIQUE. GEEZ I AM A FUDGING GENIUS-

Okay, I should cut my crap and type this post properly.

I decided to type this to my girls so that they know how much they have affected me during my primary school life.

Before primary 6, we weren't that close but we were friends. Back then, I was a super quiet girl. I got bullied because of my eyes and stuffs. I didn't really have a bright primary school life. (it sucked)

I really hated my bullies.

That thai girl with the hairy face.

Michelle with the.... Her face is too ugly to describe.

If I see her on the streets and she tries to say hi, I will be like:

Don't blame me, gurl. You ruin my life. 

You won't say hi?

MOVING ON.

I can say that at the end of Primary 4, my life changed a bit. I had a different class with that. 

That gurl.

She isn't a gurl.

Witch. Yup.

Happy siboooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I am not sure if Gin remembers but I do (dafuq is wrong with me that i remember everything)

I was sad that I had a different class with my best friend but she came over and said, "SANDY WE SAME CLASS EH" So she made me happy.

Wah, Sandy, liddat also can happy.

YES. It's always those small things in life.

Primary Five was a crazy ride. 

Primary Six was like FUDGING BANANAS AND POTATOES HAPPINESS SHITZ.

I got close to many people whom I actually thought they are wonderful and thoughtful people. 

So, in glory 2, we had splitting of Math class. I got into the one with Gin, Corliss and Fannie in it. 

Then we got really close from then on.

I remember that we used to have fun a lot that the teacher would get pissed off sometimes but we dgaf.

I wanna say to my girls is that, you all changed my life entirely.

Along with some of guys in class, you girls knew how to treat people with love.

Unlike the people that I have been with.

I really haven't met any other girls who would treat me so well.

I am really touched on that morning of my birthday, you guys called just to say happy birthday. No one has ever done that to me, no one has really treated me like I really meant to them so much that if some day I disappear, it would matter to them. I used to hate school but because of you girls, I looked forward to school and math class. We would go crazy together. We chatted and camwhore in the toilet. We would treat the toilet like it is our home. We laughed, rage and cry there some times.

You all really taught me how to be treat others well, give someone a hug when they need it and be there for a person. I never felt that way, even after leaving primary school, I still think of you gurls.

I am sorry that I can't go and be with you girls for chalet. But I am truly thankful for the love and care you girls give. Let's meet up another day.

What I do for myself will die with me, but what you girls have done for me will live on.

Thank you.

Love you girls.

Mua.

Hugs and kisses from Sandy Mui.

Before I go, to the readers, I AM ONCE AGAIN PROMOTING MY FANFICS.
Ya lah, I shameless lah. Got subscribers already still want somemore.
OI
I type story is want people to read what. If I don't promote, who will know I post sibo?
So, my account is LittleBirdieBird (don't judge, birds are cute)
Current active story is You make my life complete
Stories that will be updated after that are Touching their hearts and What type of love would you choose?
Don't wanna miss any updates?
Join asianfanfics for free and click the subscribe button!

Okthxbye

Feelings they can't touch

It is hard to express your feelings. You don't know if it is appropiate. You don't want to be too revealing or too lacking. That is the hard part. But we got to face it. Well, at least I do. You see, I have made an artificial world of my own. Use some of your imagination, it will help, trust me. The world is bright but not overwhelming. No destroying of nature or the human race. Everyone was kind and forgiving. No corruption or discrimination.
But as you and I know things won't happen that way. When there is the good, there is the bad. It is just whether you get treated well or not. God is fair? I think so. It is just good and bad karma all these while. What do I mean by 'all these while'? It is just me all the time. Doing silly shit and overthinking. Both add together, no good. Trust me, it is no good plus BULLSHIT. Doing wrong stuff is worse enough but then comes the overthinking process. That makes EVERYTHING worse. Bull craps we humans go though for.
What happened to me?
I don't know where to start.
Maybe I don't even want to. You know, it is hard to explain sometimes because things just happen too fast for me. I am puzzled, sad, angry and happy at the time. And sometimes, feelings just go numb.
Problems becomes so big that I don't even dare to tell my family. It is hard, you see. Nothing on earth is easy. So it is hard for them to know why I do things like that, why I changed my style or why I changed.
"What happened? Tell me,"
If I could easily say it, I would. What hurts the most is not what had passed, is the painful flashbacks because they are already gone.
Sorry, my family.
In the end of the day, it is my fault. I know.
Sorry that I have problems again and again.
Once I solved on, another three comes on. I am like 'since when did this shit happened'. I tried being strong, showing my persistance. But being human, we all get tired if things. And I did. I kind of thought it was pointless.
No one in school cares if you are dying inside. When you cry, they watch the show. No one is going to be there for us eventually. Things change as we grow older. Unless you are lucky to have a life-long friend around to be there for you.
I do have a childhood friend but... She can't be around 24/7. Now she has gone to her grandparents' to stay there, I hardly can find someone now to listen and understand, give me a hug and tell me that it is alright.
Forget about that part.
Lots of shit has gone wrong for me. And here, I am letting it out. I don't think anyone is going to read it anyway.
But like they say, there is going to be a rainbow after the storm.
Nothing will last forever.
For those who are going through shits like me, don't let it kill you. You have a long way to go. Things looks bad and as if there is no end. But trust me, it will make you stronger.

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Some kids these days...[VERY VERY VERY LATE POST]

Hey, guys!
I am so tired but I decided to blog even though I know not many people will read this. I just want to. I am not going to abandon this blog. Never.
School started.
Yes.
My energy is drained.
But I had a bit of fun. (Just a bit).
First day of school was not very good. Mister Wong shouted like twice. I am not sure if it was good or bad but he made me jumped twice even though I was not the one being shouted at.
All things aside, everything's cool.

So recently, including late December, I have been seeing kids all around (durh).
Kids.
I love them but sometimes, I hate them.
Yes.
Sometimes, I do.
I saw a kid at Novena that day. I don't know why or how he got bare footed. Like why is a kid barefooted in the mall? So, a lady, which I assume is his aunt, tried putting shoes on him. And he freaking refused...
. . . . . . . .
Okay, fine. If he was my son and insists on being barefooted, I will let him embarrassed himself and let him kena step by other ppl. (I am heartless but whatever.) But this kid literally.
No joke.
LITERALLY.
CRAWLED.

ON
THE
FLOOR
JUST
TO GET AWAY FROM HIS AUNT/MAID/MUM/GRANDMOTHER

Oh my god why.
Why.

Are the shoes murderous?
He screamed like to tell the world that he has no shoes on.

WTF
BOY WHYY
WHY DONT YOU WANNA WEAR YOUR SHOES
It is just crocs. Not some shoes with studs, yes no?
ARGH
WHY
Poor lady. If I were her, I would throw his shoes away and let him scream, I walk away.
Or I would push him away from my side and brush my hands off.

yes. just like that

'Go away you filthy kid'

So don't annoy me, future children. 

I meant what I said.

And then there was another time.

I was at toapayoh popular bookstore, just checking out some books.

When I went to the assessment book section, I saw another case.

Before I go on,  has any of your parents hit your little butt before?

No, I dont mean caning, I meant like hitting your little butt just for fun.

Have? 

No?

Whatever, I had. It is a thing we do what. I hit my mum's butt jokingly too. 

Back to the topic, I was like aww the mother was hitting her daughter's butt.

Then

Then

Then it happened

Guess what the girl did.

SHE HAD TO HIT HER MOTHER BACK.

Not on the ass.

On the arm.

LIKE WHY

FOR WHAT

Then she said, "很痛哦！"

WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU HURT

Like that also pain.

Walao eh.

If that was my child, I would have whacked his ass out and slap his face.

Like seriously why.

Can't you all be like how it used to be?

And you kids have to do something before you react:

CALM YOUR TITTIES

You guys have to listen to DeeKosh
"Right hand, left hand, put it on your titties and scream, 'CALM YOUUUR TITTTTIESSS"'
Trust me, it works.
Stop being drama.
Please.
Oh my god.
What, you wanna be an actress or actor in K-drama?
Oh hell no!
Just study and again,

CALM YOUR TITTIES

Okthxbye

Words at the bottom of my heart.

They will never know how it feels. As much as things go 'their way', I want things to go my way. What I mean by 'their way'? Some people think that.. The victims they 'bully' are stupid or some dumbass. Oh please. Some of us aren't. God gave us eyes, to see what the world really is.

Some parts of it are beautiful, filled with blossoms.

The rest were dark and disgusting, full of greed and people hunger so their desire. People gossip and spread things of others.

How horrible.

I hate that part of the world.

How I wished that we lived in a world where darkness never existed. Maybe, my life would be better. People say that I am lucky to have a five room flat, weekly allowances. To me, that isn't what that makes me happy, at least for a long term.

What makes me happy are the few of my friends, my mother who cooks up meals without fail whenever I am hungry, my father who spend day time at work and comes home to joke around with us, the two sisters of mine who share common interests, who fight with me and cry with me. I want to give a shoutout to those of my friends whom I never credited for a long time, and plus, I think they deserve this.

Gladys Wong :D

Grace :D

These two shared with me and my sisters a childhood. It's our tenth anniversary and we are going to do smth  special soon ^^

Audrey

We spent days in school together. The first friend I see on a school day, would usually be her. We take buses together, laugh together at lame jokes, share the same cca. And mostly, she was always there when I thought no one bothers about me.

Kelly

She is the kind of friend that you wouldn't want to forget about. We share common interests, chat randomly, share our problems and console each other. We have been through lots of rough times together.

Other than these people, I struggle in my social circle.

What I mean?

People who know me would think why I would struggle. I know that I make people laugh their asses out when I am with them. But you see, I am quiet with others. I watch the 'wars' some of my friends used or are having right now and it is scary. I watch people drag each other down. People back stab and betray each other and now, I am afraid of revealing my true self. Their actions told me that revealing my true self is a weakness. 

Then I never knew what was the truth.

Is her smile and laugh real?

He talks to me? What's his intention?

This are the questions that come to me naturally.

And those who know me well, when I mean well, it means that you know my language, my language, let me tell you that I have been through quite a few things since I was in primary school. 

I believe that I was given a life with problems in socializing with others. 

In primary two, some Thai girl (I still love thailand :D) which I DON'T KNOW WHY HATES ME ALL OF A SUDDEN told the whole world to 'unfriend' me. But I have found a few good friends like Johannah, Cindy, Zhixuan and a few others.

Then in primary four, There was a girl who entered my life called Michelle but I kinda.. Forgive her now. She was entirely against me. Now thinking back, I wondered why she needed to 'snatch' away my friends. Come on, she needed attention. You know, some people are insecure.

Only in primary five and six, I enjoyed my primary school life and again, I wanna mention my class, Faith2'09 and Glory2'10. They made me feel that I can be who I am.

I wanna thank OngZhi, XuAnn and ChianThye for joking around with me.

Thank my S-Clique babes! 

Without them, I would probably never go to secondary one with a positive mindset. I am sure that I will never forget these people for the rest of my life. Never.

The first two years of secondary school life was amazing. 

Being an E2-ien is as great as being in Glory2. We won great things together. I made and been friends with great and beautiful people.

But I screwed up after last year's June Holidays.

I don't know what happen.

This is probably why I am feeling so horrible right now.

It just hurts that people show to me that they want to dig out things from me.

It hurts that people actually treat me as option 2 even though I have accept that fact. 

It hurts that even if you remained kind to others, people will ignore you even if you benefited them before.

Things like 'thank you', 'sorry' and 'i love you' are said too much, too much that it is worthless already.

In this new year, ever since we splited class, things has changed a lot for me.

I am not saying that 3e2 is a bad class. We do joke and I like it.

But this mixture has exposed me to see this world again.

I am afraid.

I am afraid that my trying again and again will go to waste as people push me away.

I am afraid that people would ignore my hardwork. 

I am too afraid of everything now.

I think that I fail to be a CCE leader. I think that present myself as someone untrustable. I am trustable and I want people to trust me. I don't want to be left out again, ever again.

People have their 'cliques', main conversations and.. basically everything that I only had in my past, with Audrey, with Grace and Gladys and my family. In the classroom, it was a different world. 

At home, I could be who I am. I can make people laugh. I can scream like a mad dog with my siblings and my childhood friends.

In my cca, I do the same. My juniors are so great and beautiful people. Even though I thought that they would not talk to me, YiXuan and Jiawen talked to me. They laughed with me during break time. I feel better of myself all the time when I am with them. My seniors, Shamin, Charlyn, Sabine, Jaye, YingLing and many others talk to me like I am have normal eyes. Choir made me feel that personality > looks. 

On the internet, like tumblr and asianfanfics, people accept you even though they know nothing much about you. 

But in class, I feel awkward. It feel like it was a different world.

And I blame no one but myself.

I just don't know why I can't open myself up like how I would used to.

It hurts more that I spent more of life in school.

But no matter how much I complain here, it is like I am under the earth a thousand feet and no one can hear me. And this is why my blog exists. All I want is to be heard, to be loved, to feel that I am not some replacement or option 2, to be feel wanted, to be understood and accepted, and lastly, to be myself again.

Thank you for reading this.

I really appreciate it and I guess that it all I have to say.

Okthxbye