Some parts of it are beautiful, filled with blossoms.
The rest were dark and disgusting, full of greed and people hunger so their desire. People gossip and spread things of others.
How horrible.
I hate that part of the world.
How I wished that we lived in a world where darkness never existed. Maybe, my life would be better. People say that I am lucky to have a five room flat, weekly allowances. To me, that isn't what that makes me happy, at least for a long term.
What makes me happy are the few of my friends, my mother who cooks up meals without fail whenever I am hungry, my father who spend day time at work and comes home to joke around with us, the two sisters of mine who share common interests, who fight with me and cry with me. I want to give a shoutout to those of my friends whom I never credited for a long time, and plus, I think they deserve this.
Gladys Wong :D
Grace :D
These two shared with me and my sisters a childhood. It's our tenth anniversary and we are going to do smth special soon ^^
Audrey
We spent days in school together. The first friend I see on a school day, would usually be her. We take buses together, laugh together at lame jokes, share the same cca. And mostly, she was always there when I thought no one bothers about me.
Kelly
She is the kind of friend that you wouldn't want to forget about. We share common interests, chat randomly, share our problems and console each other. We have been through lots of rough times together.
Other than these people, I struggle in my social circle.
What I mean?
People who know me would think why I would struggle. I know that I make people laugh their asses out when I am with them. But you see, I am quiet with others. I watch the 'wars' some of my friends used or are having right now and it is scary. I watch people drag each other down. People back stab and betray each other and now, I am afraid of revealing my true self. Their actions told me that revealing my true self is a weakness.
Then I never knew what was the truth.
Is her smile and laugh real?
He talks to me? What's his intention?
This are the questions that come to me naturally.
And those who know me well, when I mean well, it means that you know my language, my language, let me tell you that I have been through quite a few things since I was in primary school.
I believe that I was given a life with problems in socializing with others.
In primary two, some Thai girl (I still love thailand :D) which I DON'T KNOW WHY HATES ME ALL OF A SUDDEN told the whole world to 'unfriend' me. But I have found a few good friends like Johannah, Cindy, Zhixuan and a few others.
Then in primary four, There was a girl who entered my life called Michelle but I kinda.. Forgive her now. She was entirely against me. Now thinking back, I wondered why she needed to 'snatch' away my friends. Come on, she needed attention. You know, some people are insecure.
Only in primary five and six, I enjoyed my primary school life and again, I wanna mention my class, Faith2'09 and Glory2'10. They made me feel that I can be who I am.
I wanna thank OngZhi, XuAnn and ChianThye for joking around with me.
Thank my S-Clique babes!
Without them, I would probably never go to secondary one with a positive mindset. I am sure that I will never forget these people for the rest of my life. Never.
The first two years of secondary school life was amazing.
Being an E2-ien is as great as being in Glory2. We won great things together. I made and been friends with great and beautiful people.
But I screwed up after last year's June Holidays.
I don't know what happen.
This is probably why I am feeling so horrible right now.
It just hurts that people show to me that they want to dig out things from me.
It hurts that people actually treat me as option 2 even though I have accept that fact.
It hurts that even if you remained kind to others, people will ignore you even if you benefited them before.
Things like 'thank you', 'sorry' and 'i love you' are said too much, too much that it is worthless already.
In this new year, ever since we splited class, things has changed a lot for me.
I am not saying that 3e2 is a bad class. We do joke and I like it.
But this mixture has exposed me to see this world again.
I am afraid.
I am afraid that my trying again and again will go to waste as people push me away.
I am afraid that people would ignore my hardwork.
I am too afraid of everything now.
I think that I fail to be a CCE leader. I think that present myself as someone untrustable. I am trustable and I want people to trust me. I don't want to be left out again, ever again.
People have their 'cliques', main conversations and.. basically everything that I only had in my past, with Audrey, with Grace and Gladys and my family. In the classroom, it was a different world.
At home, I could be who I am. I can make people laugh. I can scream like a mad dog with my siblings and my childhood friends.
In my cca, I do the same. My juniors are so great and beautiful people. Even though I thought that they would not talk to me, YiXuan and Jiawen talked to me. They laughed with me during break time. I feel better of myself all the time when I am with them. My seniors, Shamin, Charlyn, Sabine, Jaye, YingLing and many others talk to me like I am have normal eyes. Choir made me feel that personality > looks.
On the internet, like tumblr and asianfanfics, people accept you even though they know nothing much about you.
But in class, I feel awkward. It feel like it was a different world.
And I blame no one but myself.
I just don't know why I can't open myself up like how I would used to.
It hurts more that I spent more of life in school.
But no matter how much I complain here, it is like I am under the earth a thousand feet and no one can hear me. And this is why my blog exists. All I want is to be heard, to be loved, to feel that I am not some replacement or option 2, to be feel wanted, to be understood and accepted, and lastly, to be myself again.
Thank you for reading this.
I really appreciate it and I guess that it all I have to say.
Okthxbye
Okthxbye
