Guilt

After I tell you the incident, you will think it is just a small thing, no big deal. But to me, it is not. You all do not know who I am, what I have learnt and how I currently feel about it. I feel terribly guilty.

It was a normal Home Economics practical lesson, everyone was cooking but this time, we can cook anything edible. CQ and I were cooking our spaghetti across MHC's table. He kept joking, we kept laughing and stuff like that. I thought today was a great day and since it was practical, it would be a good timing to joke around with MHC because that is what we always do usually. 
After the spaghetti was ready and served on the table, I went over to his table with CQ, to check on his and his friend's cooking. Actually, MHC already done his cooking and it was a plate of fried rice which looked appealing to me but there was eggs, so I couldn't eat. So his friend, Kimchi was cooking fried noodles. It looked kinda awesome too but they had eggs too. I just stood there, staring at it. //Remember, I wanted to joke with MHC as a friend.// Something came to my mind at that time.
"Eh, MHC. See lah. Kimchi is a good cook. A great man. You eh? Only bring ingredient.." (There are a few things I am sure that I left out, for sure.)
He looked fine after I said that because he was talking to Ms Lim. But when he came back, his face changed, it changed into a terribly pissed face. What happened? He may be a guy but he is a friend to be, okay? I care, I care for everyone in class. Then a feeling came to me automatically - was it my fault?

I was right. 

It was.

It was me.

It was my fault.

My fault.

My hands was shaky has guilt came over my inner self. How am I going to apologize? Wouldn't be it awkward?
I didn't wanna apologize, I didn't wanna do it in front of the class, you know? Those shitty rumors may go around which are usually made by the big mouths of nosy people. And, I admit, this face of mine does want to be lost, I care a lot of what others think about me, I care too much.
But soon, I came to my senses. If I was sincere, I wouldn't have to text him I was sorry. If I was truly sincere, I wouldn't care about my image. Then, I decided.

"I must apologize verbally."

I told myself. But at this time, the bell rang. Every student would run out, wouldn't they?
"SGA! SGA! Go call MHC for me! I want to apologize!" I shouted, seriously, leaving image aside, I shouted in the kitchen. SGA helped me called him. But, of course, when he heard it was me, he obviously turn away. But it did not discourage me from apologizing. 
"MHC! I am sorry!"
I shouted twice (I think..), but he walked away rushingly. Mentally, I sighed.
When I saw him at the stairs, I shouted sorry again. But ignorance kept coming in to me. I sighed once more. I gulped but I didn't wanna show SGA my veryveryveryveryvery sad and depress face (Tell y'all why later) since we were chatting about other things. 
Though I wanted to apologize once more, I knew it was not going to work or make MHC that he forgave. I will let time do the work. Hoping my apologies would work, I left the school with regret.


I know, to you, it is nothing.

Angry ah? Let him be lah!

I heck care him, like that also cannot joke one!

Joke nia. Like that also can angry. He siao

LOL It is not like you ask him to angry.

No. It is not like that. I have learnt about of other stuff to make me what I am today, I think differently.
Okay, he may say his ambition is a singer but he may like cooking too. I may have 'insulted' him to cause him like this. Because I know how it feels to be given negative comments of what you like to do. I don't  know if I am right but it isn't the main point. 

Just imagine how your mood is right now. And how many people you would be interacting with. 10? 13? And just think, if you carry anger or a heavy stone in your mood, how much it affects the people you interact with. And how many people can these group of people would affect? 

Exactly!

It can be a BIG number! (This is the reason why I didn't give SGA that face) I feel guilty now.. For the number of people that will be affected by him.. Okay. I may be thinking too much but what makes me guilty the most is what I have said. What was he feeling? Hurt? Sad? How is feeling now? Is he okay now?
Another mental sigh.
I hope he is fine- MHC, if you are reading, do not think I am posting it to get to be soft-hearten to forgive me. No. I am never like this. It is my blog, I write. whatever I want to write. No. It is a blog where I post things up about things that happen and what I feel. Guilt, of course I will post, no matter who I offended, my mum, my sister, you, CQ or anyone I know. I hope you understand that people like me and you make mistakes, okay? I know that I shouldn't said that but we are friends, aren't we? I hope you understand how I feel too. I am terribly sorry. I hope anger isn't vented on someone else, but I know CQ felt so I know how it feels being affected. Being affected by negative emotions isn't fun. So all I wanna affect others is with my jokes, smile and laughter because being sad or angry is not good for health. People who are happier most of the time do not fall sick easily.
Talking about falling sick, people, please take care of your health. Take your umbrella out in case it rains. Drink more water.
And may God bless us, Jesus loves us.
Remember, every emotion you carry to face others can affect them, no matter positively or negatively.
Okthxbye